sitting like peaks upon my lungs

This is an essay I wrote in my twelfth grade english class in high school. It was my midterm. The assignment was to choose an inspirational quote about success and write about how we were going to succeed in the future. As I read this again, I feel like I'm still the same person, yet I have grown and changed since the Spring. Perhaps I am a little bit more positive even though I still have my moments.

Sitting Like Peaks Upon My Lungs

by Hannah Rose Duperre

e.e. cummings once said “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” These words foster me, sitting like peaks upon my lungs, and these words speak like sermons, parading like the April rains. This quote tells of the valor one must learn to cultivate in order to be successful in life, fully realize their importance and find the mistakenly beautiful and wonder-some genius that is born of the syncopation of both heart and mind. This single sentence reminds me that I may have to constantly overcome many struggles and challenges in order to rise to my full potential and portray the greatest interpretation of my character. Everyday, using my strengths, weaknesses, failures and triumphs, I strive to try to find the courage to “grow up.”

What does it mean to really be grown up? I tend to contemplate and peel apart the process: a student saunters proudly across a lighted plane, to get a scrolled decree as the congratulations of completing twelve years of public education, the family-friendly crowd cheers and in between post-graduation pictures, people tell him or her that they’re “all grown up”, or “you’ve grown up so fast!” When I was younger I always felt that high school students were so old and so grown up, but now that I have reached the age of 17, I feel far from being a “grown-up”. I have found that “growing up” is not quite a destination, but a process of ups and downs and progression towards greater goals.

I have become a young woman with many wishes and hopes, and growing up for me personally is having the courage to wake up in the morning, get out of bed, and keep trying in a world where I feel so out of place at times. I want to earn a college degree. I want to inspire people. I want to feel real. I want to stop running to the shelter of my memories, or to the foam of the future, to get away from the present time at hand. And by God, by the time the moon’s light strokes the stars and sky, I just want to believe in myself and escape the fears that sit like peaks on my lungs.

In order to achieve something greater beyond high school and as I begin to compose the next chapter of my so-called life, I must first recognize that things may happen in my life that I have no control over and I must be prepared to react in a way that doesn’t cater to my weaknesses, but to my strengths. This will come with much strife, tears, laughter, and joy. I will have to try my best every single day to not let my fears consume me. I will have to find every possible way to be happy with my efforts, even though at the end of the day I may struggle to not feel worthless when my best just doesn’t feel like it is enough. Some days I may crumble beneath those mountains on my back and begin to fall and feel the crushing of my lungs, but I have to breathe, just breathe. I need to stop confusing myself. Falling does not necessarily mean failing. Failing is when you give up entirely on growing up. A simple fall is a common climb. To succeed, I’ll just have to get back up.

Overall, the biggest conflict I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life is the cold hard fact that I happen to have the hardest time believing in and accepting myself. I’ve come to realize very recently that this is probably the main source of my weaknesses. I tend to become unmotivated very easily and have difficulty expressing my feelings verbally. I can be stubborn. I can be lazy. I am so disorganized and honestly I’m a complete and utter mess. I often let these simplicities become complexities and pay too much attention to them, for it is within my strength, not my weaknesses, that I will be able to find the bravery needed to accept the call to grow up, and move on to making a difference in the lives of others. How am I going to be able to make a difference in others’ lives, if I don’t first make a change in my own? The truth is, I won’t, not unless I take that common climb and face down the peaks sitting on my lungs. I have stars to remember and scars to forget, all with the slight spark of determination that lies within my gut and the strong convictions that sing in my soul. I am growing up.

forward march

"I dare you to change your life. I dare you to continue moving forward."

     This past Thursday night, I attended an opening ceremony for The Biggest Winner. I was able to hear some wonderful and inspiring stories that at least part of me could emulate with. The quote above were some words shared by one of the speakers that render still with me. These are words that speak inevitably about having the will to not give up.

     The day of our first team workout, I felt teary-eyed, but not because of the physical difficulty of the exercise, but because of my deep gratitude for this program and the people who want to help me! In those first moments, I was thinking about how the workout was a challenge, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as all of those times where I would cry, where I felt inadequate, where I felt lonely and hopeless as I sobbed into the hems of my size 18 dresses or when I considered different ways out. I felt for the first time that I could have the power to overcome the negativity that plagued my brain; the thoughts that clouded my mind...a chance to really come to believe what I know and to know what I believe.

That I could forget the things I need to forget.

And remember the things I must remember.

Perhaps I could forget,

that time in elementary school

when she said

"you know, you're just going to end up getting fatter and fatter if you keep eating all that cheese."

or how I could never

run the mile

easily.

couldn't do push-ups.

didn't like to participate in P.E. in middle school

because I felt like I just couldn't measure up

or down

to everyone else.


It's time to move forward...

This week I weighed in and was very excited to see that I lost 3 pounds!
I am now at 213. I plan on taking another picture next week for you guys to see the progress.

Below is my "just starting out" picture, 216 pounds.

(I am no longer mystery girl! My face is revealed!)

I really am starting to enjoy working out. I can already tell there has been some improvement with my body. One of my favorite things to do after working out is sing! I feel like I have an easier time singing following a workout and I can hold my high notes and hit them better, which makes me quite jovial.

Today, I also got really happy about being on the To Write Love On Her Arms street team. To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement focused on bringing hope and help to those who struggle with addiction, self-injury, depression, and suicide, as well as other issues. They hope to remind individuals that they were born to love and be loved and that hope and help are real. As part of the street team, I do little tasks for them to help promote the cause. This is a cause I firmly believe in. Today, I did a task for which I wrote an inspirational, uplifting, and encouraging message on a Post-It note, along with the link for their website, and posted it in a public place so someone who may need it can see it.

I hope that we may all see that hope is real.
I hope that we may all know it exists.

-hrd.

"I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God's help I shall succeed." -vincent van gogh.

the journey.

So it's been awhile.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

But I hopefully will be updating more frequently now.

This is my weight loss journey.


     So I started college this past month, and it's going great. I am participating in a program called The Biggest Winner, which is like the TV show called The Biggest Loser. I am so excited and plan on posting lots and lots about it. Today, I got a body assessment and blood work. I found out some pretty great things.
I currently weigh 216.2 pounds...which actually means I've lost a few pounds just walking around campus to my classes and stuff. And also that my old weight goals weren't great. If I lost 100 pounds I would be slightly underweight and I think I may have made those goals in a bad mindset. I wanted to be skinny so bad. I had this strange strange desire just to have my collarbone to be so visible that it simply looked like the bone with fabric or some cell-made, membranous curtain, stretched over, draping tightly. I felt pretty inferior, and that's some bad body image thinking right derr! I actually feel pretty good about myself now even though sometimes I am unsure. I probably only really need to lose 60 to 80 pounds, but I'm happy to start with just 15-30.
I don't need to be a stick.

I don't need to be a stick.
I just need to be healthy and happy with myself.
So I can be able to help make other people happy! :))))

It's going to be a good day.

loved: to help them with the healing

     After a long, much needed escapade weekend in Wisconsin, filled with eating endeavors that included Kopps frozen custard, ice cream, burgers, and also unidentified snacking, I managed to come home without gaining a single pound. I felt victorious today as I stepped off the scale. I think what helped was that I still made sure to drink plenty of water, and I even got some exercise while out of town. A family member of mine took me to the gym where she works out. I was able to use the elliptical for an hour, something I've missed dearly since my family's gym membership back home was terminated. I love how my body feels when I get done working out on the elliptical. My legs turn to gelatin. My muscles and joints brace themselves for possible soreness. And I feel good. Yes, I feel good about it all, even with the strange strands of sweat appearing (I don't like sweating).
 
     So I've realized it can take me awhile to warm-up to people sometimes, even when those people have been a part of my life forever. I do need a good dosage of "Hannah-quiet-corner-time" each day, but too much is too much, and has resulted in my lack of social ability thereof. Spending too much time by myself has done something to my brain, I swear! I forget how to be social. Pshhh, but to cut to the chase, I spent alot of time this weekend with my own brain, as I do often. Even when I was with other people, I was being kind of selfish in a way, and worrying too much about myself like I tend to do sometimes, when I should have been more concerned with others and what I can do to help them.
   
   I guess that's why I continue with music. It's the best way I know how to help. I can help myself at the same time. It's great. It's epic. It's beautiful! But when you are constantly writing songs, they get old. I really think it would mean more to someone if I used my lips for once to talk to them and tell them personally how great they are. I let the songs do this job too often.

   I saw another lady over the weekend. She was too tan, too thin, too muscular. She was shockingly skinny. It was a sad sight. I walked down to the edge of Lake Michigan with family. We saw her. We all saw her. When I see people who are super skinny, I throw myself over the edge (not literally.) Sometimes I just get mad at myself because I take everything for granted and think so lowly of myself. I find I have been wasting my time sulking over myself, when I should be helping others. I wish I could help that dear person. I wish I could let her know that her well-being is important to me, even though I don't even know her.

   I've had this thing, for awhile, where sometimes I just hurt. I hurt inside when I see someone in pain, and I beam inside when I see them happy. It happens even with random people I see on the street. It's just so close to my nature to begin to share the same feelings as those around me, because I found I just care about people. But the funny thing is...sometimes I don't care about myself.

These feelings are so strange at times, yet so familiar because they're just part of my nature. I know I need to do more for others. So many people are hurting. I'm sure they would appreciate someone to help them with the healing; help them know that they are cared for; that they are indeed, loved.

whoever you are,
you are loved,
even though you may not always see it.
your life is worth living.
happiness is worth a journey.
there's flowers waiting to greet you
young beauty, you're quite deserving!
do you not have eyes?

-hrd.

compatibility switches

"Feeling Good" by Muse

      I have to say that things have atleast been pretty good lately, besides the past few days when I have just been wanting to eat everything and anything I shouldn't and eat when I'm not hungry (most likely, in simple terms, it's because I'm a girl!). I haven't gone walking as much I'd like due to the unbearable heat outside, but have managed to maintain my weight pretty well. I have cut my bread intake and am making sure I am drinking plenty of good ol' H2O. Cutting my bread intake seems to have helped alot, since I'm not supposed to eat too many carbs, but I need to find some sources of some good carbohydrates, which will most likely be found in fruits and vegetables, which I am in dire need increasing my intake of.
     I have been wasting alot of time lately, for sure, but trying to contemplate ways to use my time wisely. I need to keep myself busy and stay on top of things, or I'll go back to freak-out mode, which is a mode I'm trying to disable from my compatibility switches. It makes me feel better if I atleast keep part of my room clean. I have alot of things to go through still, but most of my floor has been vaccuumed recently, I try to make my bed most days, I try to dust a little bit every once in a while, and I've lined up my shoes. Some of the stress-relieving may come from the room being clean, but I feel most of my stress-relieving comes from the doing of. To be productive and able to work on some hands-on project makes me feel like I'm atleast getting something done!
     Anyways, yesterday, I picked up "What We Saw From the Cheap Seats" by Regina Spektor for $7.99 at Target! Great Album! Listen to it! I will be listening to it for days on end!

-hrd.

beyond numbers and science alone.

       Some Sundays ago, I wanted to end it. I wanted to give up more than ever. I felt that I would feel okay just to end it right there, as I lay on the cream-colored carpet in my bedroom. I wanted to be a child again as I looked up and out of the window at the skies and trees; invoking and provoking my past. After some tears, I realized I needed to find someone to share my struggles with. I needed to tell someone; some person. While I still haven't shared, I have persevered once again; for once and forever.
       A few days ago, I was practicing driving in a school parking lot. I saw this lady speed walking around the grounds and I realized I'd seen her there before exercising. As I veered my vehicle past her, I noticed that she was way too skinny. It made me get distracted from my task. She had a weight problem like me, only in a different form. I wanted to know what had lead her to be that thin. Had she looked upon too many airbrushed magazine photos? Did someone call her "ugly" or "fat"? Did no one ever tell her she's beautiful just because? Or did she not even realize herself that she was underweight?
      I feel that there's a reason for the weight problem. It's beyond numbers and science alone. I think people can subconsciously not recognize that if you are battling a weight problem or image issue, there are many other underlying issues and problems associated with it, perhaps even stemming the pandemonium inside the heart, brain, mind, body, and soul. And ultimately, if you are battling a war with and inside yourself, you may forget that you aren't alone in the fight.

Oh, remember...
you are not alone in this.


-hrd.

the ashes of yesterday.

     So for a moment, I began to cave. I began to spiral down a dark hole, like Alice en route to Wonderland, but I stopped myself. I am not going to let one day out of three hundred and sixty-five phase, curb, and diminish my progress into no man's land. I've built up too much courage to succumb to my demons, to let them spit in my face and tell me I'm worthless and I can't do it. Because I have learned that they aren't my friends and they are the biggest liars of all. I will overcome them, because I know of their deceit.
     I always thought it was myself that kept my own self back. But I've realized...that it has always been those demons; that negativity that held me back...and buried me beneath their dead weight. I've had to dig myself out, to bring myself forward and into light.
     And this morning, as I lay branded in the ashes of yesterday, I found the strength to get up.

     It's kind of like that scene in Harry Potter, when Albus Dumbledore's pet phoenix dies through incineration...but then is reborn in its own dust. This scene always stuck out in my mind. It always had this hidden meaning and secret beauty; this magnificent bird, so alluring, just going up in ceremonial flame, only to come back renewed.

    Yesterday...alas, yesterday. I had a bad moment. I don't wish to go into grave nor great detail, but I had a dream...a strange, strange dream having to do some with what I was so distraught about...and then I woke up and said to myself..."I'm losing the weight...I'm losing the freaking weight."


You see, yesterday, for a small moment, I let my demons hold me back.

I didn't believe I could do it anymore.

But I woke up renewed.

I can.

I can.

Yes, I can.

Nothing will stop me.

I will spiral no longer.

I will not get mad at myself if I slip up.

I will just get up.

Pat the dirt away.

And try again.


I refuse to give up.
It's not happening.
I'm not going backwards anymore.
I've come too far.

And I've got more places to be...

I promise.

     Yesterday, I was and today I still am garbed in a teeshirt I've had since 2009 (yes, I'm a part-time slob..=)...). The print is peeling, and the colors cracked, but this shirt holds so much meaning. On the front, in flourescents, the letters of the word "alive" descend down, and hug against a lyric: "wake up, you're alive, we're on your side." This lyrics comes from a beautiful song called "Everything Starts Where It Ends" by Lovedrug. One day, this song gave me great motivation to run. It's strange because it isn't a speedy tune, but a subtstantial, stippling serenade.
      This teeshirt, though, is a To Write Love On Her Arms tee shirt. To Write Love On Her Arms is this marvelous, life-saving organization that I found out about one day as I read a Wikipedia article about the band, Meg&Dia. While I have struggled still with things they aim to find hope for and combat against, their message has never left me since the day way back when I was just a pipsqueak middle-schooler. If you wish to find out more about the non-profit organization, click here.
     I am grateful for the life I have. I am not worthless. I am grateful to be alive this day, no matter how difficult at times it may be to live.

     May you find the strength to endure the mornings, the afternoons, and the evenings. To get through the day.

Everything will turn out okay.

I promise.

a struggle to survive.

      Alas, I still struggle...

      I've hit my boulder hard this week, but I can't give up. It's too soon and there is no giving up in this battle...

      My days will be filled with no more debacle and no more of this nonsense of not knowing. It's a struggle to survive when you attempt to surface from your mind's mindless numbness, to keep from drowning. I'm not going to stop trying though. I've got to keep going. I've got to...and I may have to stick to my quietness for a little while longer and just kick it with myself. It's just that I've spent so long in a bubble, it's difficult to want to stay in it any longer, so I have to escape the bubble and begin a brand new journey in my own shoes; a private journey down a private path that stretches through a summer wood, with highlights of soft light. A path that leads to somewhere open...a field of ease or ocean of clarity...

    And I can do it.

   To get there, I just have to breathe...

     This is a photo I took awhile back. I find that besides music, things like flowers and nature and taking walks tend to give me peace. I find something therapeutic about the breezes or delicate petals of a bloom and being able to take it all in. Also, if I can get past getting too consumed with all kinds of memories, being really focused and organizing and cleaning things tends to make me feel better.


and I thank God for these wonderful creations...

Advantages

     I once read in an online article about a woman who had a major weight dilemma. She had weighed 382 pounds and struggled with her weight her entire life. This woman always carried around in her purse a single slip of paper, on which a doctor had scribbled down four steps to help her lose the weight.

  The steps that were listed on that slip of paper looked as follows:

1. Eat 8 ounces of food every 3 hours

2. Don't drink sugary drinks

3. Don't skip meals

4. Don't tell anyone what you're doing

     The woman had kept that slip of paper for a long time and put her weightloss off. Finally the time came where she found herself in a "do or die" situation and felt more compelled and more determined than ever. She lost 232 pounds...

     I feel like that time for me is now. I feel like I actually mean it this time. I'm going to lose the weight. I'm going to follow these steps, and try to walk my 2-mile walk as much as possible, and get to the point where I can run atleast a 5k, without stopping.  I have many wishes and reasons for losing the weight, even some that whittle down to the simple selfishness of wanting to be able to rock a pair of straight-leg skinny jeans.

   When I say "losing the weight" or any variations of the phrase, what exactly do I mean? Well, I have found that in order to lose weight, you must lose other weight first. I have struggled with my weight problem for a long, long time. The reason why I was never successful before is that I always had a mental block of unbelief. I didn't believe in myself, didn't believe I could do it, and I didn't believe in my reasonings. I am learning to lift this barrier everyday. I am learning to remember that no matter how much negativity there is, there is always a much greater surplus of positivity. It's just a matter of looking into it...

     The photograph above is one of me from when I was just a little girl. I imagine it was taken at either the Cub Foods or Rainbow grocery store. My mother would try to get me to be that adorable poster child because I had the potential, but I was too quiet and shy. I have found hidden meaning in this interestingly lucid picture. I use this as the cover photo on my Facebook timeline... It makes me think how often in my life people have believed in me, had so much, SO MUCH faith in me, and no matter how grateful I was for them and their invested confidence, it really didn't do much good, because I didn't believe in myself, thus my brain created fallacies about how those people were all an illusion. I still can struggle with this from day to day and it tends to fuel my undiagnosed depression and my deep sadness. I think that because I have learned this about myself, I am at an ample advantage.


-hrd.

My Personal Proposal.

     I've made a goal for myself to lose atleast 15 pounds by graduation, and then some more. I would like to have lost somewhere between 70 and 80 pounds by September or October 2012. I have this feeling that for once I'm not going to cave...that I'm actually going to do it...that I will be at a better weight in the fall.

I'm going to lose the weight.

for once and forever.

The Goals:

When                                                                          Weight

By May 10th, 2012............................................................215 lbs

By June 16th-21st, 2012......................................................200 lbs

By mid-July.................................................................185 lbs

By mid-August...............................................................170 lbs

By mid-September...........................................................155 lbs

By mid-November.............................................................140 lbs

By mid-January 2013.........................................................125 lbs 

By Easter 2013..............................................................115 lbs