the ashes of yesterday.

     So for a moment, I began to cave. I began to spiral down a dark hole, like Alice en route to Wonderland, but I stopped myself. I am not going to let one day out of three hundred and sixty-five phase, curb, and diminish my progress into no man's land. I've built up too much courage to succumb to my demons, to let them spit in my face and tell me I'm worthless and I can't do it. Because I have learned that they aren't my friends and they are the biggest liars of all. I will overcome them, because I know of their deceit.
     I always thought it was myself that kept my own self back. But I've realized...that it has always been those demons; that negativity that held me back...and buried me beneath their dead weight. I've had to dig myself out, to bring myself forward and into light.
     And this morning, as I lay branded in the ashes of yesterday, I found the strength to get up.

     It's kind of like that scene in Harry Potter, when Albus Dumbledore's pet phoenix dies through incineration...but then is reborn in its own dust. This scene always stuck out in my mind. It always had this hidden meaning and secret beauty; this magnificent bird, so alluring, just going up in ceremonial flame, only to come back renewed.

    Yesterday...alas, yesterday. I had a bad moment. I don't wish to go into grave nor great detail, but I had a dream...a strange, strange dream having to do some with what I was so distraught about...and then I woke up and said to myself..."I'm losing the weight...I'm losing the freaking weight."


You see, yesterday, for a small moment, I let my demons hold me back.

I didn't believe I could do it anymore.

But I woke up renewed.

I can.

I can.

Yes, I can.

Nothing will stop me.

I will spiral no longer.

I will not get mad at myself if I slip up.

I will just get up.

Pat the dirt away.

And try again.


I refuse to give up.
It's not happening.
I'm not going backwards anymore.
I've come too far.

And I've got more places to be...