I promise.

     Yesterday, I was and today I still am garbed in a teeshirt I've had since 2009 (yes, I'm a part-time slob..=)...). The print is peeling, and the colors cracked, but this shirt holds so much meaning. On the front, in flourescents, the letters of the word "alive" descend down, and hug against a lyric: "wake up, you're alive, we're on your side." This lyrics comes from a beautiful song called "Everything Starts Where It Ends" by Lovedrug. One day, this song gave me great motivation to run. It's strange because it isn't a speedy tune, but a subtstantial, stippling serenade.
      This teeshirt, though, is a To Write Love On Her Arms tee shirt. To Write Love On Her Arms is this marvelous, life-saving organization that I found out about one day as I read a Wikipedia article about the band, Meg&Dia. While I have struggled still with things they aim to find hope for and combat against, their message has never left me since the day way back when I was just a pipsqueak middle-schooler. If you wish to find out more about the non-profit organization, click here.
     I am grateful for the life I have. I am not worthless. I am grateful to be alive this day, no matter how difficult at times it may be to live.

     May you find the strength to endure the mornings, the afternoons, and the evenings. To get through the day.

Everything will turn out okay.

I promise.

a struggle to survive.

      Alas, I still struggle...

      I've hit my boulder hard this week, but I can't give up. It's too soon and there is no giving up in this battle...

      My days will be filled with no more debacle and no more of this nonsense of not knowing. It's a struggle to survive when you attempt to surface from your mind's mindless numbness, to keep from drowning. I'm not going to stop trying though. I've got to keep going. I've got to...and I may have to stick to my quietness for a little while longer and just kick it with myself. It's just that I've spent so long in a bubble, it's difficult to want to stay in it any longer, so I have to escape the bubble and begin a brand new journey in my own shoes; a private journey down a private path that stretches through a summer wood, with highlights of soft light. A path that leads to somewhere open...a field of ease or ocean of clarity...

    And I can do it.

   To get there, I just have to breathe...

     This is a photo I took awhile back. I find that besides music, things like flowers and nature and taking walks tend to give me peace. I find something therapeutic about the breezes or delicate petals of a bloom and being able to take it all in. Also, if I can get past getting too consumed with all kinds of memories, being really focused and organizing and cleaning things tends to make me feel better.


and I thank God for these wonderful creations...

Advantages

     I once read in an online article about a woman who had a major weight dilemma. She had weighed 382 pounds and struggled with her weight her entire life. This woman always carried around in her purse a single slip of paper, on which a doctor had scribbled down four steps to help her lose the weight.

  The steps that were listed on that slip of paper looked as follows:

1. Eat 8 ounces of food every 3 hours

2. Don't drink sugary drinks

3. Don't skip meals

4. Don't tell anyone what you're doing

     The woman had kept that slip of paper for a long time and put her weightloss off. Finally the time came where she found herself in a "do or die" situation and felt more compelled and more determined than ever. She lost 232 pounds...

     I feel like that time for me is now. I feel like I actually mean it this time. I'm going to lose the weight. I'm going to follow these steps, and try to walk my 2-mile walk as much as possible, and get to the point where I can run atleast a 5k, without stopping.  I have many wishes and reasons for losing the weight, even some that whittle down to the simple selfishness of wanting to be able to rock a pair of straight-leg skinny jeans.

   When I say "losing the weight" or any variations of the phrase, what exactly do I mean? Well, I have found that in order to lose weight, you must lose other weight first. I have struggled with my weight problem for a long, long time. The reason why I was never successful before is that I always had a mental block of unbelief. I didn't believe in myself, didn't believe I could do it, and I didn't believe in my reasonings. I am learning to lift this barrier everyday. I am learning to remember that no matter how much negativity there is, there is always a much greater surplus of positivity. It's just a matter of looking into it...

     The photograph above is one of me from when I was just a little girl. I imagine it was taken at either the Cub Foods or Rainbow grocery store. My mother would try to get me to be that adorable poster child because I had the potential, but I was too quiet and shy. I have found hidden meaning in this interestingly lucid picture. I use this as the cover photo on my Facebook timeline... It makes me think how often in my life people have believed in me, had so much, SO MUCH faith in me, and no matter how grateful I was for them and their invested confidence, it really didn't do much good, because I didn't believe in myself, thus my brain created fallacies about how those people were all an illusion. I still can struggle with this from day to day and it tends to fuel my undiagnosed depression and my deep sadness. I think that because I have learned this about myself, I am at an ample advantage.


-hrd.

My Personal Proposal.

     I've made a goal for myself to lose atleast 15 pounds by graduation, and then some more. I would like to have lost somewhere between 70 and 80 pounds by September or October 2012. I have this feeling that for once I'm not going to cave...that I'm actually going to do it...that I will be at a better weight in the fall.

I'm going to lose the weight.

for once and forever.

The Goals:

When                                                                          Weight

By May 10th, 2012............................................................215 lbs

By June 16th-21st, 2012......................................................200 lbs

By mid-July.................................................................185 lbs

By mid-August...............................................................170 lbs

By mid-September...........................................................155 lbs

By mid-November.............................................................140 lbs

By mid-January 2013.........................................................125 lbs 

By Easter 2013..............................................................115 lbs