compatibility switches

"Feeling Good" by Muse

      I have to say that things have atleast been pretty good lately, besides the past few days when I have just been wanting to eat everything and anything I shouldn't and eat when I'm not hungry (most likely, in simple terms, it's because I'm a girl!). I haven't gone walking as much I'd like due to the unbearable heat outside, but have managed to maintain my weight pretty well. I have cut my bread intake and am making sure I am drinking plenty of good ol' H2O. Cutting my bread intake seems to have helped alot, since I'm not supposed to eat too many carbs, but I need to find some sources of some good carbohydrates, which will most likely be found in fruits and vegetables, which I am in dire need increasing my intake of.
     I have been wasting alot of time lately, for sure, but trying to contemplate ways to use my time wisely. I need to keep myself busy and stay on top of things, or I'll go back to freak-out mode, which is a mode I'm trying to disable from my compatibility switches. It makes me feel better if I atleast keep part of my room clean. I have alot of things to go through still, but most of my floor has been vaccuumed recently, I try to make my bed most days, I try to dust a little bit every once in a while, and I've lined up my shoes. Some of the stress-relieving may come from the room being clean, but I feel most of my stress-relieving comes from the doing of. To be productive and able to work on some hands-on project makes me feel like I'm atleast getting something done!
     Anyways, yesterday, I picked up "What We Saw From the Cheap Seats" by Regina Spektor for $7.99 at Target! Great Album! Listen to it! I will be listening to it for days on end!

-hrd.

beyond numbers and science alone.

       Some Sundays ago, I wanted to end it. I wanted to give up more than ever. I felt that I would feel okay just to end it right there, as I lay on the cream-colored carpet in my bedroom. I wanted to be a child again as I looked up and out of the window at the skies and trees; invoking and provoking my past. After some tears, I realized I needed to find someone to share my struggles with. I needed to tell someone; some person. While I still haven't shared, I have persevered once again; for once and forever.
       A few days ago, I was practicing driving in a school parking lot. I saw this lady speed walking around the grounds and I realized I'd seen her there before exercising. As I veered my vehicle past her, I noticed that she was way too skinny. It made me get distracted from my task. She had a weight problem like me, only in a different form. I wanted to know what had lead her to be that thin. Had she looked upon too many airbrushed magazine photos? Did someone call her "ugly" or "fat"? Did no one ever tell her she's beautiful just because? Or did she not even realize herself that she was underweight?
      I feel that there's a reason for the weight problem. It's beyond numbers and science alone. I think people can subconsciously not recognize that if you are battling a weight problem or image issue, there are many other underlying issues and problems associated with it, perhaps even stemming the pandemonium inside the heart, brain, mind, body, and soul. And ultimately, if you are battling a war with and inside yourself, you may forget that you aren't alone in the fight.

Oh, remember...
you are not alone in this.


-hrd.

the ashes of yesterday.

     So for a moment, I began to cave. I began to spiral down a dark hole, like Alice en route to Wonderland, but I stopped myself. I am not going to let one day out of three hundred and sixty-five phase, curb, and diminish my progress into no man's land. I've built up too much courage to succumb to my demons, to let them spit in my face and tell me I'm worthless and I can't do it. Because I have learned that they aren't my friends and they are the biggest liars of all. I will overcome them, because I know of their deceit.
     I always thought it was myself that kept my own self back. But I've realized...that it has always been those demons; that negativity that held me back...and buried me beneath their dead weight. I've had to dig myself out, to bring myself forward and into light.
     And this morning, as I lay branded in the ashes of yesterday, I found the strength to get up.

     It's kind of like that scene in Harry Potter, when Albus Dumbledore's pet phoenix dies through incineration...but then is reborn in its own dust. This scene always stuck out in my mind. It always had this hidden meaning and secret beauty; this magnificent bird, so alluring, just going up in ceremonial flame, only to come back renewed.

    Yesterday...alas, yesterday. I had a bad moment. I don't wish to go into grave nor great detail, but I had a dream...a strange, strange dream having to do some with what I was so distraught about...and then I woke up and said to myself..."I'm losing the weight...I'm losing the freaking weight."


You see, yesterday, for a small moment, I let my demons hold me back.

I didn't believe I could do it anymore.

But I woke up renewed.

I can.

I can.

Yes, I can.

Nothing will stop me.

I will spiral no longer.

I will not get mad at myself if I slip up.

I will just get up.

Pat the dirt away.

And try again.


I refuse to give up.
It's not happening.
I'm not going backwards anymore.
I've come too far.

And I've got more places to be...

I promise.

     Yesterday, I was and today I still am garbed in a teeshirt I've had since 2009 (yes, I'm a part-time slob..=)...). The print is peeling, and the colors cracked, but this shirt holds so much meaning. On the front, in flourescents, the letters of the word "alive" descend down, and hug against a lyric: "wake up, you're alive, we're on your side." This lyrics comes from a beautiful song called "Everything Starts Where It Ends" by Lovedrug. One day, this song gave me great motivation to run. It's strange because it isn't a speedy tune, but a subtstantial, stippling serenade.
      This teeshirt, though, is a To Write Love On Her Arms tee shirt. To Write Love On Her Arms is this marvelous, life-saving organization that I found out about one day as I read a Wikipedia article about the band, Meg&Dia. While I have struggled still with things they aim to find hope for and combat against, their message has never left me since the day way back when I was just a pipsqueak middle-schooler. If you wish to find out more about the non-profit organization, click here.
     I am grateful for the life I have. I am not worthless. I am grateful to be alive this day, no matter how difficult at times it may be to live.

     May you find the strength to endure the mornings, the afternoons, and the evenings. To get through the day.

Everything will turn out okay.

I promise.

a struggle to survive.

      Alas, I still struggle...

      I've hit my boulder hard this week, but I can't give up. It's too soon and there is no giving up in this battle...

      My days will be filled with no more debacle and no more of this nonsense of not knowing. It's a struggle to survive when you attempt to surface from your mind's mindless numbness, to keep from drowning. I'm not going to stop trying though. I've got to keep going. I've got to...and I may have to stick to my quietness for a little while longer and just kick it with myself. It's just that I've spent so long in a bubble, it's difficult to want to stay in it any longer, so I have to escape the bubble and begin a brand new journey in my own shoes; a private journey down a private path that stretches through a summer wood, with highlights of soft light. A path that leads to somewhere open...a field of ease or ocean of clarity...

    And I can do it.

   To get there, I just have to breathe...

     This is a photo I took awhile back. I find that besides music, things like flowers and nature and taking walks tend to give me peace. I find something therapeutic about the breezes or delicate petals of a bloom and being able to take it all in. Also, if I can get past getting too consumed with all kinds of memories, being really focused and organizing and cleaning things tends to make me feel better.


and I thank God for these wonderful creations...

Advantages

     I once read in an online article about a woman who had a major weight dilemma. She had weighed 382 pounds and struggled with her weight her entire life. This woman always carried around in her purse a single slip of paper, on which a doctor had scribbled down four steps to help her lose the weight.

  The steps that were listed on that slip of paper looked as follows:

1. Eat 8 ounces of food every 3 hours

2. Don't drink sugary drinks

3. Don't skip meals

4. Don't tell anyone what you're doing

     The woman had kept that slip of paper for a long time and put her weightloss off. Finally the time came where she found herself in a "do or die" situation and felt more compelled and more determined than ever. She lost 232 pounds...

     I feel like that time for me is now. I feel like I actually mean it this time. I'm going to lose the weight. I'm going to follow these steps, and try to walk my 2-mile walk as much as possible, and get to the point where I can run atleast a 5k, without stopping.  I have many wishes and reasons for losing the weight, even some that whittle down to the simple selfishness of wanting to be able to rock a pair of straight-leg skinny jeans.

   When I say "losing the weight" or any variations of the phrase, what exactly do I mean? Well, I have found that in order to lose weight, you must lose other weight first. I have struggled with my weight problem for a long, long time. The reason why I was never successful before is that I always had a mental block of unbelief. I didn't believe in myself, didn't believe I could do it, and I didn't believe in my reasonings. I am learning to lift this barrier everyday. I am learning to remember that no matter how much negativity there is, there is always a much greater surplus of positivity. It's just a matter of looking into it...

     The photograph above is one of me from when I was just a little girl. I imagine it was taken at either the Cub Foods or Rainbow grocery store. My mother would try to get me to be that adorable poster child because I had the potential, but I was too quiet and shy. I have found hidden meaning in this interestingly lucid picture. I use this as the cover photo on my Facebook timeline... It makes me think how often in my life people have believed in me, had so much, SO MUCH faith in me, and no matter how grateful I was for them and their invested confidence, it really didn't do much good, because I didn't believe in myself, thus my brain created fallacies about how those people were all an illusion. I still can struggle with this from day to day and it tends to fuel my undiagnosed depression and my deep sadness. I think that because I have learned this about myself, I am at an ample advantage.


-hrd.

My Personal Proposal.

     I've made a goal for myself to lose atleast 15 pounds by graduation, and then some more. I would like to have lost somewhere between 70 and 80 pounds by September or October 2012. I have this feeling that for once I'm not going to cave...that I'm actually going to do it...that I will be at a better weight in the fall.

I'm going to lose the weight.

for once and forever.

The Goals:

When                                                                          Weight

By May 10th, 2012............................................................215 lbs

By June 16th-21st, 2012......................................................200 lbs

By mid-July.................................................................185 lbs

By mid-August...............................................................170 lbs

By mid-September...........................................................155 lbs

By mid-November.............................................................140 lbs

By mid-January 2013.........................................................125 lbs 

By Easter 2013..............................................................115 lbs